The name is a scar; a fault line in my heart, separating me from young and naive, to old and hardened. Who I am now, is because of that one name. It changed me forever, presumably for the worst. I remember everything that happened involving him. Still, to this day. I don't often think about it anymore because it has no purpose to me any longer, but the images are still there, stained in my mind like wine on a blank canvas.
August 28th. The day everything was set in motion.
It was my friend, Leylah's Birthday. Upon wishing her a happy birthday on Facebook, I noticed a guy that posted on her wall. Having just moved out of my parents' house, I was more than ready to find a relationship with a guy. I looked at his page, left things as is, and went along with my day.
I woke up the next morning to a face full of hair. My cat, Daisy, was extra clingy since she moved out with me. I moved her aside and went online as I did every morning. I noticed I had a friend request from someone. This someone happened to be the same person who wrote on my friend's wall: Mikey. I accepted the request and he messaged me later that day. He was just trying to get to know me, as two strangers do when they share something in common. Unbeknownst to me, accepting the friend request of this one person would unleash a shit storm spanning over an entire year, of which I had never experienced before.
It was August 30th. The day that unknowingly fell in love for the first time.
I was feeling adventurous one night and decided to walk down to my friend's house. Little did I know, it was more than just a few miles. The night air was warm and smelled of sweet honeysuckle and moist dirt. I would always think about how lovely it would be to have someone to share these kind of walks with. It was the most forward thought on my mind at all times.
I happened to be texting Mikey, during the walk and he kept saying how much he wanted to hear my voice. I was very reluctant to have a phone call with this stranger I had only been talking to for a day. I thought that he came on too strong. And I was very shy and still very awkward, not having learned about the world outside high school yet. Being the inexperienced teenager that I was, I let him call me.
I picked up the phone. 'And you heard his disgusting voice. Not a thing about it rang with any truth. He sounded so fake.' I enjoyed talking to him. It was different to be able to talk to someone else that was gay. He said he was open about his sexuality and I was envious. I was still learning the ropes of being a model homosexual. 'But at the same time you knew. You knew that something wasn't quite right with him. Like a survival instinct, something didn't quite click. But you ignored that. You ignored your instincts. Did you want to get hurt?'
I finally got to Tylyn's house and told him that I was getting off the phone. He told me to look up his friend Aaron when I got to a computer. I walked upstairs to Tylyn's room and we started talking about everything. I previously came out to her during the school year and she sort of became my own homosexual advocate. During our talk, I spoke of Mikey and how he wanted me to look up his "best friend." She was all for it, so I typed his name into the search bar on Facebook.
What. A. Gorgeous. Person.
He had auburn hair, cut short and side-swept like those "emo" boys everybody raved about. He was wearing a white shirt with faded black jeans and looking up to the camera. He was like a god. And Tylyn agreed. Through texting Mikey, I found out that he was gay too. Needless to say, I shit bricks. As we got to the end of our conversation, Mikey said, "Please don't steal him away from me." and he went to bed. 'And you said in your mind that you couldn't make any guarantees.'
On Thursday of that week, the 1st of September, I had work until 7:30 pm. I was a cashier at a grocery store. That night was so boring, until you showed up. (At this point in my writing, I have started to shake. No one ever forgets these sort of moments. I hate reliving them.) I was on register two. It was 7:22 when you came into my line. I looked at you. You looked at me. And in the moment that our eyes aligned and locked to one another, I froze. My heart convulsed in this painful twisting motion, but I stood there, without giving in to this new feeling inside me. I could smell this nice cologne that you wore, even before you were near me. It was masculine, and proper, but not overbearing. It had a light fragrance to it that I felt I could drink in for a lifetime. I greeted you, shying away from your face, and looking up to it when I could to steal a glimpse of the sheer beauty that was you. You set a box of ten pack Arnold Palmer drink mix on the belt. 'He would drink them all the time.' It was the only thing you were buying. I found it strange that you would rather come into my line for this one item, than to use the self service checkout. I fumbled in my awkward state and dropped the box. Apologizing profusely, I picked it up and put it in a small bag, the ones used for gift cards. He laughed a little bit, and said not to worry about it. 'But he ended up being the only thing you could worry about.' I ran your transaction as debit, and handed you your receipt. You said goodbye and left, leaving the scent of your cologne, and the image of your face, stamped to my heart. In those few moments, I had fallen in love with someone I thought I would never see again. I was on a level of happiness I had never felt before. It was like breathing in new life; a new energy. 'But why take in this life, when you hadn't yet been dead?'
I arrived home at about 7:50. Mikey was texting me on my way home. I asked if I could talk with him on the phone. The first words I said to him were, "I met Aaron today." He stopped whatever noises he was making and asked, "What?" How?" And I told him that he definitely came through my check out line at the store. I was positive it was him. Once Mikey had gathered himself he suggested that I friend Aaron on Facebook. And so I did. I didn't expect anything to come of it that day, or even that week.
Later that night, I got a notice telling me that he accepted. My heart twisted again. So far, everything seemed so surreal. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle of my life were falling together as a key fits to a lock. I messaged him a simple hello around 11:30 pm, and our conversation started rolling. I confirmed that it was him that went through my line at work, and we shared a bit about ourselves. It was the epitome of an enchanting and awkward. It lasted until 1:07 am when he said that he needed to go to bed for work in the morning. We exchanged numbers and said goodnight.
Wednesday, September 7th, 2011. I was to formally meet Aaron and go on a double date with my friends Monica and Mitch. We went to a local drive-in movie theater to see Apollo 18. The film's premise is that the Apollo 18 mission that was actually cancelled, landed on the moon in 1974 but never returned. As a result the United States never launched another expedition to the Moon. (For those who don't know, a drive-in theater is where they have movie screenings outside and you watch the movies projected on a large canvas from your car. You get the audio from the movie by tuning into a radio station.) As we watched the movie we talked here and there; as much as you can while watching a film. There came a part where the astronauts found some sort of life form on the Moon and when it moved, because of the grainy texture of the filming quality (for a genuine-like feel), I thought that the alien looked like a grey monkey. I laughed and said, "What the fuck is that? A rock monkey?" and Aaron laughed as well due to the sheer ridiculousness of the matter. I was beaming; absolutely glowing. I was having so much fun with this new person. Turns out, later that week, they had some associate run competition at his work place and he called his team the Rock Monkeys because of the movie. It made me so happy that I was that impressionable on someone's life to the point where they would think of me and relate the things I've said to other situations.
Then there as the time I talked to him about his smoking. I told him that I cared about him and didn't want it affecting his health. He said that he knew I didn't like it and that he'd quit. 'And you believed him. Because you trusted everything about him.' I thought it was really sweet that he took my opinion into consideration. Nobody had ever treated me with such attention before.
As I learned more about him I became more and more smitten, and Mikey, more jealous, for I was quite literally stealing his best friend. The following month or so went a bit like this:
- September 12, 2011
and i just noticed you were on !!!! : -)
lol yeah i on been on for like three hours 'Because you were obsessed.'
Oh it didnt say you were on. my computer is a durdur.
oh i turned my chat off for a while cuz i had to work on your present and i was talking to you through text but ya this is nice toooo
i miss you. When do you want to hang out again? the text was really nice.i feel warm and really happy the past few weeks.i even told my doctor about you she prolly didnt care but i told her anywayz
awwww!!! you told your doctor?? that's so freaking sweeet! and we can hang out whenever you want. anytime just as long as neither of us are working...well you can visit me at my work place too
i always like seeing you so ill will visit. i still have a gift card lol are you working 2mmrw?
yeah. 2-7 if you can, come near the end, cuz then we can talk longer cuz it will be less busy
ok ill come at like 630?? maybe unless you have a time in mind
that works then if you want we can hang out after.
sure if thats what you want lol im game
September 13, 2011
ur cute haha
it doesn't matter how many time you say that to me, it will never lose its meaning, or way of making me smile 'But he would find a way to make you frown someday.'
good and i hope it never does lol
its my goal from now onlolto make me smile? you already win then :)
haha i win at life then.
- September 14, 2011
Is it bad if all i have to see is your name and i get this giant smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach? 'Yes, it was.'
Haha i thought it would go away after the first couple times lol i guess not.
iget a big smile when i see or hear nething to deal with youlol. naaah. it always went away with everybody else but, like you said, anytime you're brought up, im happy
Me 2 and whats soooo effing good is that every time i show my sister and mom someone im thinking about dating they always find something bad about him
but they really like youand have nothing bad to say they think your a cutie lol and you dont have to make me nething i like the gifts i have gotten already and it very sweet of you to make them i feel so loved hahaAwwwwww im really glad they like me so far and you too of course You should feel loved. i care about you more than anyone. I don't know if it's too early to say something like that but that's how i feel.. 'Two weeks huh? Is that all it takes with you?'
i was going to say it a couple times but i stopped myself cuz i thought the same thing lol
We're like always on the same page with things!!!!!! it's too awesome ! and thanks !
thats why i say i heart you instead
well yeah. i heart you too. i don't know what love is yet, so i won't say it until i know for sure
lol ok well
i hope you find it soon very very soon *hint hint*lollol I know it'll be with you. 'Fucking idiot.'
awwwwe i hope soooooooo!!!!!!It doesn't matter what you say, i get this little burst of energy in me when you text me or write back 'That's called hope. And it's a double edged sword.'
good im really happy i can do that
im like a super hero nowlol you do the same im a lot more happy now compared to when i didnt know youlol. i looked back and i'm never sad anymore. i used to always just think to myself, "if everybody says im this amazing guy, why hasn't somebody found me?" but now those thoughts are replaced with, "Aaron is so gorgeous and sexy and he makes me smile with his cute laugh and caring personality."
Haha good
im soo happy
Fast forward to October 11th. It was the day before Aaron's birthday. I waited eagerly to hear the tires of his navy blue, Chevy Malibu grind against the gravel as he pulled into the driveway. All this time I was becoming more and more enamored with him; it was like I was a new person completely. I didn't really leave room for anything else to go through my mind unless it involved him. I was selfish because I was happy. Perhaps that's why what happened, happened.
He finally pulled up next to the house and I shot out the door. I jumped in the passenger seat and gave him a sketch I had been working on the night before. I honestly think it was one of my greatest works because of the emotion that was laced into the thin graphite layer I dragged across the surface. It was his favorite video game character, Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy VIII.
We got to his house and laid down on his bed and started cuddling. He wanted to watch some movies so we put on Lord of the Rings. As much as I would have liked to watch the movie, Aaron was much more interesting to me. One thing led to another and we weren't watching the movie any longer. We kissed, again and again, each time I thought that my soul would be swallowed by his. And in the flickering glow of the TV screen in the night, he said the words,
Later that week I noticed he wasn't his usual self. I wanted to cheer him up. And I thought that finally confessing my love for him would bring him happiness. We sat down on his bed and I said, "I have something really important to tell you. You don't have to say it back, because everybody moves at their own pace, but I've been thinking it over for a long time now, and I think I've come to the conclusion that I love you." 'What were you possibly thinking? Oh right, you weren't.'
And then there was my smiling face.
And then there was silence.
And then he spoke, "Oh.. Well that's really nice!" he laughed awkwardly.
I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't even really notice that he hadn't returned my feelings for me. And even though I said that it was okay that he didn't say it back right then, it wasn't, because he never ended up saying it at all.
After that day we kind of drifted further and further part. I tried more and more to comfort him and be by his side, and looking back, I think I was the problem for making him so upset. I became obsessive, because, that's what love does to you. I would text him in the morning, and not hear from him for maybe three or more days at a time. I didn't blow up his phone with messages. Just a simple good morning and goodnight; perhaps an interesting point in my day. And when he finally did get back to me, he always wanted to hang out. And it filled my soul with such hope, that I thought that everything was fine again. That I finally did something to fix him. But the only thing that would happen was sex. I would visit for an hour or two and have sex with him. And he would light a cigarette right after he was done. And on the immediate drive home after, he would light up another.
This went on until November 18th. At this point I was so deeply in love with him that I became depressed because he clearly didn't want me to be in love with him. I decided that I needed to talk to him about everything. We weren't dating, and I had been talking to him for three months. I thought it was about time to make things official, or cut things off.
I dialed his number on the worn, plastic buttons of my pre-paid flip phone. And it rang. And in between those rings there was a silence synonymous to the feeling in my chest: big and empty. He finally picked up.
His voice was weak, and sad. Like he already knew what was going to happen. 'You saw it coming too. You knew what was going to happen. But you ignored it, like you did your instincts.' And my arms were shaking, just like my voice as I explained to him how I felt. And he said, "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, and honestly, I don't think you are either." But how was I not? I gave everything and more to him. I loved him and would do anything and everything I could to make him happy. I thought that's all it took to be in a relationship then: blind loyalty. I told him, "Then... I guess we can't do this anymore. But know that you're missing out on the best thing that's happened to your life, and the best thing that ever will. You're the one giving up on this." And all he could say was, "I'd like to still be friends." We hung up after that, and I felt a freedom. A weight had been lifted from the pit of my stomach. I finally gave liberty to the thing that was hurting me the most. But this was only the calm of the storm. This struggle to let him go, was nothing in comparison to what was going to happen in the next few days.
November 19th. Three days until my birthday, which I was originally going to spend with Aaron. I had, sometime before all of this happened, over the summer, looked through Mikey's friends on Facebook to find other attractive gay men. The only one I could find that looked remotely interesting was named Jason. I added him but he didn't respond until the 19th of November. We started talking and I brought up how he knew Mikey and if he knew Aaron. Apparently Mikey and him didn't get along anymore, and I could definitely see why. Mikey had been pissing me off the most through the entire fiasco with Aaron. He was pushing his nose where it didn't belong and trying to turn Aaron against me. So, with that being said, I found a common interest with this Jason.
Jason was currently going through some relationship problems with a guy named Trevor. He said how he wasn't returning any phone calls or messages that he sent to Trevor. I told him if he was mad, then to give him space. But that's one thing Jason didn't know how to do. Making his situation worse and worse finally he gave up on Trevor. But not because Trevor stopped talking to him. But because Trevor was talking to someone new: Aaron.
On November 24th, Jason told me that Aaron was seeing someone new and it happened to be his ex boyfriend. I read the message at least twenty times before responding. At first I got mad and thoughts like, 'Aaron wouldn't have done that to me. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship.' and 'This kid doesn't even know Aaron. He's making this up.' I was in denial. But that didn't stop the overflowing sense of insecurity that came rushing out of me like water from a broken dam. I started to shake violently. All I could do is ask myself 'why?' (This was, in all honesty, the worst feeling of anxiety or panic that I have ever felt in my life.I haven't felt something as severe as this since.) I didn't know what to do. Eventually I got out of my desk chair and called my friend Haley. I was delirious. Through what words she could make out through my sobbing, she knew to meet me down the street. I was crying so hard as I walked down the road that I couldn't breathe. It felt like my lungs were exploding. When I got to Haley all I could do is hug her and cry. 'It was such a disgusting sound you made. And for what? Was it worth the tears? Was he ever worth your time?'
I was a wreck. With my first birthday in 18 years not being spent with my family, having to move again on the 26th, and my cat beginning to get sick, this was the last thing that I needed. I finally moved on from sad, to angry.
I've wasted the past three months of my life. I can't believe someone would do that to me. After they told me they never wanted to hurt me. Yeah. Whatever. Big talk for a coward. I hope he rips your heart out and throws it in a wood chipper you worthless bastard.
It honestly takes a lot to make me say things like that. Mikey, being his "best friend" saw the post and said, "This better not be about who I think it is." And thus ensued the most immature of text fights to possibly ever happen. He said things like, "You're a hindrance to the families you live with. They don't want you living with them. They don't want to have to deal with you." to, "You're mother doesn't even love you, that's why she kicked you out." and, "Who would ever love you? You have shitty crooked teeth and Aaron said that he hated having sex with you." I tried texting Aaron to tell him to shut Mikey up, but he only said to, "...leave my name out of your mouth." And like that it was over. The final string had been cut.
It kills me how much I still remember about him. Like how he hated apples, and his favorite drink was Crystal Beach Logan Berry Juice, and his favorite band was I See Stars, and how he really wanted a Chi straightener, and how he used to be a chubby kid, and that he dated a guy named Kevin, and how they spent time in together in a town called Lockport and watched Toy Story
In the following month I became even more depressed. My first love was gone, and he hated me. He left me for someone else. His best friend had destroyed every ounce of self confidence I might have had. My cat, was ill and I had spent over $200 on her through check ups and medicine. She just wasn't eating, and she could barely walk. She had liver cancer, and a tumor had grown on it, messing with her balance. Sometimes she wouldn't take her medicine and I got really mad, because I was only trying to help her. But I think it was because I as being selfish. If I lost her, I would have lost everything. She was the last thing I could love and trust without hurting me. One night she jumped up on the couch with me, and I hadn't been sleeping well due to all the stress I was dealing with. So I told her no, and placed her on the opposite side of the room, on the love seat. And she just looked at me.
Daisy passed away the next day on December 18th.
All she wanted to do was say goodbye. And I took that away from her because again, I was being selfish. I held her as she died. She was in so much pain, and there was nothing I could do. I wish I could have put her down and save her from this agony, but I couldn't bring myself to do so because I was clinging on to the only thing I had left.
It's my deepest regret.
Jason---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was the last straw. I changed after that. I had hit the bottom and my fragile, innocent heart couldn't bear it. I became hardened, and stopped caring about everything except my job. Christmas and the New Year were absolute shit because I had nobody I really cared to spend them with. By the first week of January I had lost the only person I looked to as a brother and still till this day don't know why he won't talk to or look at me anymore. January was also when I started hanging out with Jason, the person who gave me the worst news of my life up to that date. He ended up being way too clingy and wanted a relationship I clearly didn't want or was ready for. He was extremely persistent, saying things like, "You don't know unless you try." Well frankly, I didn't want to know or try.
I tried to get rid of him by telling him I had a crush from work, (which wasn't a complete lie) and he lost it. Apparently he was smoking some sort of synthetic weed to try to calm himself down as to not annoy me, but it had quite the opposite effect. I couldn't deal with it anymore and blocked him. He made countless fake Facebook accounts to try to contact me. And I fell for one of them for the longest time. Eventually I figured it out.
After ignoring all his texts and blocking him form Facebook he went berserk. He would blow up my phone with about 200 or more messages a day. Saying the same thing mostly, like: "BUZZZ BUZZZ. You're phone is going off :)" That was his favorite. One day he texted me a long string of swears and of course, I ignored it. But soon after that he said, "Aaron gave you HIV."
I'm sorry, but where the hell do you get off telling me that? That was my biggest fear at the time because I knew so little about it. I thought that it just happened when you had unprotected sex with another guy, which happened with Aaron. So I honestly thought it could be a possibility. I never texted him back about it, but I did get tested. I couldn't not. My biggest fear was getting the test back and being positive and then never being able to find love because of my sickness. I was 18 at the time. I still had all my life to live.
Thankfully, it was negative both the first time, and the 6 month check up. There isn't anything as grounding as wondering if you have a terminal illness.
Jason finally stopped texting me in May of 2012. I would get the occasional email or message on an internet dating site, but nothing that I would take interest in and nothing he wold pursue after one message.
That sums up my first year living "on my own," or rather just not with my parents. I guess it was better that I learned the hard way and fast about life within my first steps into the world as an adult. I can't say I would ever want any of that to happen again, but I can walk away from it knowing that I got through it and didn't turn to drugs, sex, alcohol, or offing myself. The worst thing I did was start my lip biting habit. (Which is currently my stress reliever for everything now.) It was all just really unfortunate and poorly timed that it happened all sequentially. I can safely say I haven't dealt with that level of stress since.
I'm glad that I could learn from the situations I lived through so I can try to avoid more like it in the future. Do I trust people anymore? Not easily. Not after that. But I can't just block everybody out. There are those in your life that are actually there to help you. And not every one is the same. So I look at each person with a new chance. If I didn't, it'd be like I was blaming every single person I came to know for what happened to me in the past, and that's just not fair. I have things to look forward to now. And I can't wait to see where they lead me, and to who they make me meet.
